Monday, March 15, 2010

The Lost and Found Replacement Center


My friend, Modine was getting still another ignition key made for her Toyota SUV. As she was paying Certified Locksmith (Which was number 4 on her speed dial.) another hundred and forty dollars, she reminded me that she planned to get these lost keys back when she visits the return center. She thinks there is some silly warehouse somewhere holding everything that she has ever lost or had stolen. She claims to have read it in some book, but she could never find a mention of it again for me to read. All she remembered was the bright, yellow, rectangular sign. Yesterday, I was out running on the road less traveled, and I saw that sign. I could not believe it, but I had stumbled onto the center. It read:


LOST AND STOLEN REPLACEMENT CENTER
Stop In and ask for what was stolen, misplaced, or lost during your lifetime!
We have some of those items that can be returned to you today.


The man behind the counter was working a cross word book with an ink pen when I walked in. The short gray hair on his head below a very expensive pair of sunglasses seemed to bestow an air of wisdom. He was wearing a University of Tennessee sweatshirt, an expensive pair of jeans, and a pair of white and silver Adidas. Those shoes looked exactly like a pair I had a couple years ago, I thought they were stolen by one of my students at the time. The place looked much like any warehouse office; maybe with more dust and cob-webs than normal. The computer was dusted, and appeared to be top-of-the-line technology. The only mysterious item was that big yellow sign above the desk.

The man quickly put down the book and said, "Hi my name is Larry Lewis. Are you Clark? Ray W?"

I was still in a state of shock, but managed to mumble "Yes Sir. Am I in Heaven?"

LL: "No. I understand that in Heaven you will have no needs. This is still Earth where you need lots of stuff, I just run the place where you can get some of your possessions back."

R: "You have my belongings? How does this work?"

LL:"For security purposes, I need to know your mother's maiden name."

R:"What?"

LL: "I need your mother's original last name. It starts with a W.

R:"Williams?"

LL:"Great! Now that I am sure of your identity; this is how the Lost and Stolen Replacement Center works."
Larry was talking, but my reeling mind was slow on the uptake. I had to hear it several times before I got the concept. Larry Lewis is the expert on all things lost or stolen from me. He claims to know many of the details of my life and has most of the stuff that I lost or had stolen. If I could identify my loss, if the item was on the approved return list, and if Larry Lewis had not misplaced it himself, it could be mine again! I could blandish for anything, but not everything I begged for could returned to me. Some items were just gone, like wasted time and loved ones; no one could not return either of those. Larry could not return something that would harm me or vastly alter world history. Being somewhat of a smarty, I had to put Larry to the test to determine if he could really delineate any of the losses of my life.

R:"I can ask you about any thing I lost, right?"

LL: "Yes, Ray that is how it works here!"

R: "Mr. Lewis, I once lost my virginity?"

LL: "Call Me Larry! Some of your friends told me you were hilarious, intelligent, and mischievous. Now I believe them. It was a in black and silver Grand Torino around 1977, and since you were attempting to give it away for several months, can I assume that this is a joke not something you really want or need back?"

R: "Lost my temper way too many times."

LL: "Nope can't get those back; besides that flare up back in 1987 changed world history. I told you I can't do that! Try to get serious, and not make me lose mine."

R: "I lost control of that Gran Torino later that year. I would love to have that car back!"

LL: "It is not here. Allstate called it a total wreck, towed it off, and sent you a check, which you cashed. I do have three keys to that car you lost if you want them for sentimental reasons."

R: "Lost a ball glove when I was eight."

LL: "You traded it to Randy for a 45 of Alvin and the Chipmunks singing about Christmas wishes. Then you told your mother you lost it because you knew she would not ok that trade, and you didn't want to be known as the indian-giver of Franklin Elementary."

R: "Oh, I forgot that!"

Next I was going to ask for my high school class ring, but I just remembered that I pawned it at the Big Bear Pawn Shop. I was now beginning to think that Larry surely was obninificent-omninifint-omnni, just plain all-knowing.

R:"I threw twelve interceptions while I was playing quarterback at Millington Central. Can I have those back?"

LL:"I think the number was closer to nineteen. No, and don't bother to ask for those 357 free throws you missed or all the games you lost either. Big waste of my time Ray! Let's start with something simple. Ask me for those socks."

I knew instantly the exact socks Larry was talking about. I generally loose socks every time I slam a dryer lid. I know I wear them in pairs. I am sure I get them into the laundry hamper and the washer in pairs. Every time I empty the dryer, and begin to fold my clothes I always find two or three without a mate. I may be missing shirts, pants, and even underwear; however, since those items never travel in pairs why would I notice.

R: "Larry, how did you get them and may I please have my missing socks?"

LL: "Now were cookin! I've always worked the returns. Stuff comes in by truck and rail four times a week. I just sort and inventory this crap, I don't know anything about collections, they work out of a different location. I have a 16-foot U-Haul truck parked out back. I rented it in your name with some of the coins that you lost under the couch cushions. It has to be returned before noon tomorrow or the next day is on you! Your lost socks take up about 3/4 of that truck. NEXT"

R: "Suduko puzzle books"

LL: “I have them. Didn't even bother to work a single one. I'm a word guy not a number person."

R: "My friend, Kristi, got me thinking about dreams the other day. I once had one of those blue and cardinal dream catcher totems."

LL: "Already hanging on the rear view mirror of your U-Haul along with the lucky rabbit's foot that was on the Grand Torino mirror the night you wrecked it.

R: "Vallarie's phone number. I lost that a couple weeks ago day after she gave it to me. I should have followed that age old rock and roll wisdom, and sent it off in a letter to myself."

LL: "Which Vallerie?"

R: "Met her at Cody's. She manages the Bullet Factory in Milan and lives in McKenzie with her daughter."

LL:"O, her! Sure, In fact I have all the numbers you have lost in your lifetime, just turn on your bluetooth and I will transfer all of them over but one. It is always so much quicker that way."
R: One?
LL: "Rule number one states that I can't return anything that will cause you harm; so Jennifer's number is out! Believe me it is for your own good."

R:”Sunglasses? I loose a few pair each summer. Sometimes I leave them right on the restaurant tables. I was so stupid I left one pair on the top of my car just before I jumped in and tore down the street."

LL:”Made me laugh for a week! We still are having problems with the sunglasses. I have all the cheap ones you bought at Dollar Tree; however, I never get the glasses that cost you more than $10. They just never get returned for some reason!"

R: “How about all those TV Remotes I lost?”

LL: "Ray, Do you still have those TV sets?"

R: "Well No, that was a stupid request, sorry I got carried away! I lost several thousand golf balls! On a bad day two or three a round."

LL: "I have thirteen golf balls, the rest you never counted. Those strokes were not on your score card, so technically because of your dishonesty, all those golf balls were never swung at, never hit, and never lost."

R: "Delta lost some of my luggage once."

LL: "We run a great operation here, but not even we can determine what the airlines do with all that lost luggage. I do understand that there is a giant factory outlet near Chattanooga where you can buy your stuff back cheap."

R: "I lost a few bicycles?"

LL: "We get so many bikes that I am going to need those police reports along with the complete serial numbers."

R:"I lost too much in the casinos."

LL: "Not considered a loss, casinos are entertainment. Hope you got what ever amount of entertainment you paid for."

R: "My cell phones are next. I can't keep from loosing them or having them ripped off. Do you have the red Motorola I lost with the voice mails from Sting and Johnny Depp? I have a new friend who will just flip out after she hears those messages."

LL: “Those cell phones will just about fill your U-Haul!, You have room for just a few more things this trip. Hope you get back here again for another truck load, most people don't find me the first time. Tell all your friends that their former possessions are waiting for pick-up!"

R: "Thanks, By the way, Larry do you have my white and silver Adidas? Lost those last year."

LL: "ah What size?"

R:"10 and 1/2, and they looked exactly like those."

LL: "Hey we wear the same size. What a coincidence!"

R:" Well, do you have them?"

LL: "ahhh Nope, guess I misplaced those somewhere around here! Bye Now!"
Next time you are traveling near the end of your existance, stop in and claim your lost stuff at the Lost and Found Replacement Center.

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