My Nighttime Cravings

My name is Herman. I consider myself a frugal, educated, and well-informed consumer. Before making a purchase, I shop around to get the best deal. I read independent reports to determine the best-made quality products in every field. I shop with a list, and have been successful at avoiding impulse items even when I am in the grocery store while I am starving. All this is true until I get in front of the Television very late at night. I understand that there exist many thousands of other consumers, like me, who loose their funds, their inhabitations, and sometime their minds very late at night. Then, we become greedy, needy, wanting everything, got-to-have-it, consumers; we become credit card idiots who have to spend-spend-spend. I am sure the TV industry has made extensive studies to determine the exact time of the evening when spenders like my self let down their guards and are most vulnerable. My personal compulsions start at exactly 10:37 and remain until the alarm goes off . Maybe it is the late night news that turns our brains to mush, or maybe just sleep deprivation.


Ted Turner of WTBS working in Atlanta and Ron Popeil of Ronco in Los Angeles both claim to have invented late night commercials and their natural evolution, the even more evil, infomercials. It does not matter to me who was first and who was second; in a fair and just world, they will both arrive someday in that particular ring of Hell reserved for TV con men. Someone has to pay for this evil gimmick that has been released on mankind. Their invention will be the demise of many a buyer's wallets, including mine.


The product is not even important enough to be the star of the commercial. Every TV commercial sounds the same. The star of all late night advertisements is hype. This is the type of hype for which many of us poor souls have no amour or shield to protect us. Billy Mays, the best of the current announcers, has so much hype and excitement in his voice that if I hear it after dark, I am buying! I am dialing and giving some operator, most of them know me by my first name, my magic 16-digits of plastic. I might not need oxi-clean, soft wall picture hooks, spill wipes, or what ever he is pitching this week; however, his exuberance could probably sell me used Kleenex!


I am told by the great hucksters, these demon voices, that, "These items are not available in stores", and late night I never ponder why they can't be found in stores. When these stupendous products arrive in the daylight from Steven, my very-own-personal UPS driver, I realize that many stores would not carry such junk. One classic example would be my pocket-fisherman. After I ordered thirteen, I realized that Buck and Bass probably did not carry a plastic fishing rod that collapses to nine inches, breaks with the slightest pressure, and has less than twenty five feet of weak fishing line. I don’t fish, but I ordered thirteen more! If I ever take up fishing, I will probably want a better pole; however, I had to order!


Most of these dynamic offers come with a life-time money back guarantee. I have never ask for my money back because at night time in front of my TV I think these products are fantastic innovations, and during the day time I am too embarrassed to ask for my ill-spent cash back. That would mean that I would have to admit I bought these products, usually by the case. To prove my point I offer my music collection. I have purchased many Box Car Willie Albums and still others of some nameless person playing the Pan Flute; both records were critically acclaimed in Europe so to prove I was cool and in vogue, I had to complete that purchase. My Time/Life set of 80's Soft Rock, pitched to me by the ex-super group Air Supply, and My Country Ballads Collection from Kenny Rogers still grows. I receive and have to pay for a couple CD's a week. I know I could ask for my money back, but would you admit that these pieces were part of your music library?


I bought an entire truck load of Veg-a-matics and Salad Shooters at about 3:13 one night when I could not sleep. These products are not worthy of the slowing down of my shopping cart if I even noticed them in Kroger. I eat very few salads and even less french fries at home. I wanted one of each until I heard the magic voice yell, "But Wait! There's more!" After buying the first I could get another at half price. What a deal, but then the MORE included that knife. This remarkable steak knife cuts through tin cans and shoes. If I had a steak on my plate that was as tough as a shoe or tin can I don't think I would eat it; however, I ordered. I ordered seventeen sets of each when I heard the voice tell me that they made great Christmas gifts. That was a total of 34 salad shooters, 34 veg-a-matics, and 68 of the most fabulous knifes ever witnessed on TV.

My many purchases no longer fit into the huge walk-in closet in the hall where I used to keep the stuff that I acquired. I look around the rest of the house, there are pile of stuff everywhere. I have a huge menagerie of late night sensational items. I have plastic can toppers; however, I can easily finish off a twelve ounce drink in a couple gulps. I have many cute little George Forman Grills still in the box that I never plan to use. I have three Jack Lalanne Juicers; some day when I need to be in better health I might trade in my pepsi for avocado juice. I have many stacks of stretch mark smoothers. Don't ask me why! It seemed like a great deal one night at 4:17 one lonely night. There are three new highly expensive Eight Pound Orrick Vacuum Cleaners that will never be used. In one corner there is a complete case of Hair in a Can, think of it as black silly string, incase I ever start to loose my hair.


Then there are the gifts that I bought for my last girl friend before she left me. I keep them because I am sure she will return very soon. I have boxes of genuine Diamondelles and cubic Zirconium, magic gemstones that look just like real diamonds but are so much more affordable. Her Valentine's Day gift is still stacked in one corner of the bedroom. I bought her twenty-four cases of Flush the Fat. It was such a romantic gift that she started to cry just before she left.

I have a serious problem, and I have no ability or power to change the situation. I need an intervention from my friends. Come over tonight. Turn off or even better yet just steal my TV. Shove my credit cards down the garbage disposal. Please Hurry! I just found out my cable company will add three new channels next week, QVC, Home Shopping Network, and the J.C. Penney Catalog Channel.